Calling all old people

As you know, your aunt works with with the elderly.  It has never been fully explained to me what she does, but I do know she gives them sex education classes, shuttles them around in her Honda (to soccer games?), counts their nickles at bingo night, and helps place them into position during morning yoga.  I’m not really comfortable with any of it, but that’s why I went into law enforcement and not geriatric care.

So here is the problem – your aunt is quickly learning a very hard lesson.  You see, the group she takes care of is, well, dwindling in number.  Hell, you’re big girls – I’m here to tell it like it is:  They’re expiring.  Dying off.  Leaving your aunt’s bingo group for heavenly pastures.  Yup, old people die.  Not only that – and I don’t want to get too statistical here – but old people have a much greater chance than young people of leaving your aunt’s 95-and-over yoga class for Pilates with the Lord.

So here’s the lesson your aunt is learning: you have to recruit.  Fill in the ranks.  For every old geezer who dies in his sleep you should have two with the appropriate paperwork and waivers already filled out, waiting anxiously at a chance of folding their wheelchair into the back of an overcrowded SUV to go sit on the sideline of your cousin’s soccer practice.  This shouldn’t be taken lightly – if your aunt wants to have a robust program over at Shady Pines Home for the Aged then she needs to be prepared for the inevitable.  These old bitties fade fast – and often one after the other.  They’re like dominoes – once one goes down they take the others with them.

I know this well.  My mother, your grandmother, has been a geriatric nurse my entire life.  She enjoys it – and the fact that the residents at the nursing home are six feet under as soon as you turn around doesn’t spoil it.  It’s just the way it is.  You have to go into it knowing that for every one coming in the front door, there is another one going out the back.  If you can take part in making their life a little rosier, you’ve done well.

The life lesson here girls: always think ahead, and never rely on old people.  Especially when it comes to them continuing to live.


Overheard at the family residence

Me: Tumble dry
The missus: WHAT’S TUMBLE DRY???
Me: No heat
The missus: I DON’T SEE TUMBLE DRY!!!
Me: It’s called ‘fluff air’ on our machine
The missus: I DON’T SEE ‘NO HEAT’!!!

Another Friday evening of riveting and intellectual conversation.