Month: June 2014

Get well soon crazy cousin!

Girls, your cousin is on the mend after a bout with some sort of affliction I cannot spell nor pronounce. So we send him our best. Publicly, of course (who needs email? we’re not telling secrets here).

Hello Crazy Cousin! –

I hope you’re feeling a bit better. I heard that you handled the surgery like a champ and are well on the road to recovery. Don’t recover too fast though – this is an excellent opportunity to have your mother bring you snacks, skip homework assignments, watch endless hours of television, and give your older brother a hard time – all without repercussion. If your family insists that you are doing better you just DENY DENY DENY. Who are they to evaluate you? When mom and pop think you should get out of bed they suddenly become doctors? If that were the case they would have removed your appendix themselves in the kitchen – but they didn’t, did they? No, they trusted the doc. And thus you should not yield until they get a professional opinion, in writing, on your ability to get back to full duty.

I recall when I was a wee lad and I had my adenoids removed. Now to this day I’m not sure what those are, but I trusted the physician’s assessment at the time that I no longer needed them. I’m not even certain how many adenoids one has, though if they are like other things on the human body (some we won’t make mention of) then they likely come in pairs.

What I distinctly remember about the procedure was the anesthesia. Knocks you right out doesn’t it? Now you will have that feeling a few times throughout your life – like when you take some crazy cough medicine, or drink too much whiskey – or while sitting in physics class – but it will NEVER come on that fast. They used gas on me – probably a formula that has long since been banned, and asked me to count to ten out loud. As I recall, it took me FOREVER to say “two” – and I never did fully complete the word (oddly, I was so whacked I also pronounced the W in “two”). Next thing I knew, I woke up in a different room and it felt like it was six months later.

Side note: it takes a bit for the anesthesia to wear off, so if you ever wanted to jab a pen through your hand to freak your mother out, now would be the time to do it.

So I hope you feel better big guy (when the doctor tells your parents that the evidence suggests you should be feeling better). Now you can enjoy the summer properly, as a young lad should – without the burden of yet another useless internal organ.

P.S. The next time you’re pondering an internal infection or other serious illness, try to schedule it for the middle of the school year – during a long gap between holidays. Make these surgical procedures really work for you.

Uncle being serious for one moment: get well soon – we miss ya buddy!